Growing Awareness Pty Ltd  © All Rights Reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy

Sub-Domain Growing Aware

 

DIFFERENT WAYS TO SHARE LOVE, LIKING, LINKING AND FRIENDSHIP

 

A good friendship is not one that is free of conflict or disagreement.

 It’s a friendship where, when a problem surfaces, the friends
find ways to resolve the problem, ways that are:

·        comfortable for both

·        work for both

·        balanced

·        fair

·        moderate
 

How do you express friendship?

Everyone has an unconscious list of what we think are the best ways to show someone else we "love" them, "like" them, "appreciate" them or just enjoy their friendship and being with them.  The trouble is that these ways are seldom identical for both  people.

In his book "The Five Love Languages" Gary Chapman explains how different people have different expectations of the ways they think are the best for expressing love, liking or friendship. If two people are using different ‘languages' then messages of love and friendship can easily be lost in translation.

I feel Chapman's list of only five such languages is a bit too brief. I'm inclined to add quite a few more ways that people link together in friendship or relationships, and I've included these in my list below. However I acknowledge that it's still based on his five "languages" and what he describes rather well as the primary Friendship/Love Languages:

1.           Sharing words and actions that express friendship/love

2.           Sharing Quality time

3.           Sharing gifts

4.           Sharing Acts of service

5.           Sharing Physical touch

So what happens if whatever you think and feel are the "right" or the “true” ways to express love and friendship are seriously out of line with what the other person thinks or feels is the "right" or the “true” ways for them?  At the very least there are going to be problems with translation between the two friends. At worst one or both people might begin questioning the quality of the linkage and therefore the friendship.

There is no doubt that there are certain things each of us hope (or expect) people will do and say when they are connecting with us. The sad part is if they really do care a great deal about you, but that their way of expressing this just doesn't match up with your expectations.  They are probably just doing what they believe they should be doing, to show you their deepest and most affectionate feelings of friendship. But sadly they are using a "different language" to tell you about their friendship with you or how they like or love you.

Meanwhile you can be mistranslating at your end too. What happens if whatever you expect doesn't occur?  If you, misinterpret what they're saying or doing you may end up feeling that you are less of a friend in the eyes of that other person. But what you think and feel and predict, may or may not be accurate.  Remember, they still think they are expressing friendship in the way that has the most meaning for them.

Unless you can talk to each other about the different languages that work best for each of you whatever each person is saying or doing will continue to be based on their idea of what they think are the most important ways to express love or friendship.

My list of the Friendship languages

Here’s what it seems to me are a few of the things we need to do to communicate positive feelings about how we link with the other person whether it’s our friends or about a deeper relationship.
I like to think and talk about (and look at) these issues in terms of how they help enhance long term ‘friendships’ as well as ‘relationships.’ Obviously only a very special friendship is likely to include all or most of the different kinds of linkages described below. First I should explain that to me, a good relationship is just a friendship that’s moved to a higher and deeper plane. Each time another kind of linkage is added it enriches the friendship as it grows and the level of commitment becomes much more profound but “if it ain’t a good friendship underneath, then it ain’t a good relationship.”

One small drawback is that once you are aware of all these kinds of linkage you may begin to notice that some of your friends are not using the same languages as you are using.  I hope that this article might make it easier for you to talk to them about this.

On the other hand once you are aware of the range of different linking languages you may find some of your friendships growing, strengthening, and developing in new and deeper ways than in the past.

SUMMARY

Each one of the connections or linkages (listed below) should help develop a deeper and more lasting friendship or relationship.

However each kind of linkage is optional and a matter of personal choice,  You’ll also notice how each type of linkage though different seems to work in combination with other kinds. Each one helps enhance some of the others.

Obviously, it works best when both friends agree that they like using the same kind of linkage language, but it can still help if only one person uses it and the other person doesn't really feel the need for it. Keeping this in mind, it's important that you don't use this list to judge or criticise a partner. There are no right or wrong ways of communicating love and friendship, just ways that differ from person to person .

 

A.  AFFIRMATION, AFFECTION, SUPPORT, APPRECIATION; RESPECT

Sharing words of affirmation, goodwill, appreciation, liking,

Positive and mutual support, mutual kindness and empathy

 

B. TRUST  TRUSTWORTHINESS AND LOYALTY

Expressing and demonstrating mutual trust and trust-worthiness

Communicating and acting in ways that allow both to feel safe and comfortable about being in this friendship.

Mutual loyalty

 

C. PROTECTING AND RESPECTING THE OTHER PERSON’S FREEDOM AND INDIVIDUALITY

Supporting the other person’s rights and freedoms as an individual

Mutual respect for each person’s own individuality,

Each person allows the other the freedom and space, to continue living as an individual as well as within the partnership or friendship

Each person accepts and respects the other’s differences

Both have boundary systems and those systems work well for them when they are apart but communicating or together in the same place at the same time.

 

D. SHARING AND ENJOYING QUALITY TIME  

Being together is a often a pleasing, happy experience for both

(That means that times when being together are not enjoyable are limited to certain situations, short term or easily resolved)

Companionship  is warm and positive

Enjoying communicating, sharing or being together

Sharing laughter and playing together, having “fun”

 

 

E. PERSONAL  LINKAGES  

Emotional and feeling linkages

Awareness or integrated linkage

Both able to be vulnerable together and honest and open with each other in many different areas.

Energetic linkage

Intuitive linkage

 

F. PHYSICAL LINKING

Shared activities (the active, doing things together linkages)
 

G. THE MIND CONNECTION.

Shared interests (the “interested together” linkages)

Both enjoy sharing ideas, thoughts, information and opinions
Positive support, kindness and empathy
Both are committed to maintaining the friendship (there may be some hard work involved)

Supporting each other’s personal growth

 

 

H. PROBLEM SOLVING AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION

When a problem surfaces, the friends find ways to resolve the problem that are  comfortable for both, work for both, are fair and balanced, and moderate

Little or no conflict over power and control issues

Shared problem solving and decision making with open and honest discussion

 

I. SHARING GIFTS

Exchanging gifts

 

J. SHARED LIFESTYLE  

Sharing expenses

Sharing and experiencing own femininity/masculinity

Shared recreation

Shared activities with family and friends

 

K. SHARING AND CARING ACTS OF SERVICE

Caring, supporting and nurturing each other (but not caretaking)

Co-operation and compromise when resolving problems

 

L. BOTH SHARE A SIMILAR LEVEL OF SELF AWARENESS

The more both partners can talk openly with each other about their ever-changing levels of self awareness, the closer the connection

M. SPIRITUAL CONNECTION

Shared spiritual beliefs

Shared spiritual experiences

Shared spiritual activities

 

N. COMMITMENT TO MAINTAINING THE FRIENDSHIP/ RELATIONSHIP

Commitment to work on strengthening the friendship/relationship

Commitment by both not to “pull the pin” on the friendship/relationship without talking about it first

 

ADDITIONAL NOTES

 

LIKING YOURSELF COMES FIRST

It's difficult enough for most people to express friendship.  If we don't truly like ourselves that makes it doubly hard to express our liking for other people and that makes it harder for other people to express liking and friendship for us. Until we are comfortable liking ourselves when we are alone, it is going to be very difficult for us to feel comfortable receiving real friendship from anyone else.

We may sincerely believe that if another person expresses lots of liking, loving friendship e towards us, then we must surely feel more liked or loved.

And when they do this in exactly the way we expect or desire we can expect that we that we ought to feel even more liked or loved. Unfortunately, it is impossible for another human being to "make us feel loved" if we don't already feel liked and lovable within ourselves (even if it seems to be happening for a short time at the beginning of a new friendship.)

 

 

 

A SUCCESSFUL FRIENDSHIP IS ENHANCED BY THE GIFTS WE BRING

There are some special gifts that, if we are able to bring them to the friendship will enhance it and give it an opportunity to grow:

1.  The gift of being aware of who we really are (and liking ourselves as we are)

2.  The gift of flexibility, of being able to ‘stand between opposites’

3.  The gift of having a good friendship with yourself and our sub-personalities (inner protector characters)

4.  The gift of having regular contact and two-way communication with our own inner child.

5. The gift of experiencing our own personal growth of whatever kind, within the friendship and knowing that we are growing  as a direct result of that friendship.

 

 

DIFFERENT WAYS TO BLOCK LIKING, LINKING AND FRIENDSHIP

 

It's interesting that when we are unhappy or worried about things going wrong in a friendship or relationship we start making lists of things we dislike about the other person. Usually the next step is to tell the other person what we have on our list. .

Unfortunately this is almost the opposite of the "languages of friendship" described above, so it can have a seriously negative effect on the future of the relationship. For example:

 
1. Increasing judgment, criticism and withdrawal of appreciation
2. .Growing distrust and/ or untrustworthiness
3. Limiting or loss of respect for the other person’s freedom and individuality

4.  Diminished enjoyment of quality time together

5.  Losing personal linkages  

6.  Less meeting and less communicating

7. Less sharing ideas, thoughts, information and opinions, limited joint  problem solving
8. Less sharing of gifts, reduced shared acts of service

9. Serious problems resolving conflict or trying to solve problems; increased conflict over power and control issues.

10. Less sharing of self-awareness

11. Loss of shared lifestyle  

12. Fewer shared activities with family and friends

 

The more that is happening the greater the chances that the relationship will not survive.