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Couples in conflict
Matriarch/Patriarch induced conflict is most common in couples
in which, sad to say, bottom-line issues such as self-esteem, boundaries, power and
control are still unresolved in one or both partners. The inner matriarch and inner
patriarch know exactly how zero in on those issues in ways ttHowever, understanding
the four-way battles between the two Inner Matriarchs and two Inner Patriarchs is
a very positive step in helping people deal with theat will cause the very worst
and most damaging fights, the kind that often lead to the end of relationships.
As
the story unfolds you will begin to see how these four characters are the critical
players in one of the most toxic forms of fighting that can occur between people,
but in particular a man and woman.
If you already have had lots of experience working
with your inner protector characters (inner villagers or inner selves) you might
wonder why is it that when these four characters start fighting it has a far more
serious effect than usual? After all, the other characters who live and work so hard
in our Inner village (inner selves) often find themselves in conflict. Other times
it's one of yours fighting with one of mine. Just as often it's some of my opposite
characters inside me fighting among themselves.
The difference is that no mater what
the conflict is over it is always in some way over the best way to protect the inner
child and our underlying vulnerability. When the inner patriarch and matriarch are
fighting the focus is on hurting or punishing both inner children and increasing
our sense of underlying vulnerability.
You might wonder why something as significant
as this isn't easy enough to notice while it is going on so that you could quickly
put a stop to it.
One of the answers, as usual is because during the fight, we are
not in awareness. While the fighting is in progress we are under the control of these
four particular characters, and we are unable to move higher up on to our Awareness
Hill and see clearly what is going on.
And now the good news
Until I can get back
up on the hill again, I will fail to notice the most important feature of these battles,
which is also the key to ending them. This key is the realisation that the most destructive
battle is not as we might think, between one person' s patriarch and other person's
matriarch. The worst battles are not even happening between any of his and her characters.
They are taking place inside each person's own inner village!
So the first good news
is that you can stop wasting time and energy trying to get the other person to make
the changes in their village that you imagined would help stop the fighting. The
second good news is that once you have grasped this, it becomes much, much easier
to make changes. Why? Because it is always much, much easier to make changes inside
your own inner village. You might also notice that the less you pressure another
person to change the easier it is for that other person to make their own changes
inside their own inner village, while you are working inside yours.
The next bit of
good news is about what happens once you uncover the real battle and identify which
of the four "Matriarch/Patriarch" characters inside you are really doing the greatest
damage. This makes it possible for you to start doing something really practical
about preventing the fighting, the pain, the loss, the devastation and the destruction,
often before it happens.
So the aim of what is written here is to identify which
of the four characters are the real antagonists, why they are doing the most damage,
where and inside whose village you will find them, and what you can do to halt their
destructive behaviour.
Probably the best way to start is to look at a case study.
It's our old friends Jack and Jill who manage to have most of the fights that we
use the case studies, and right now, Jack and Jill are at it again!
For a start it
may seem difficult to recognise the specific pattern, that is to see what is really
happening, compared with what Jack and Jill by themselves think is happening. If
you can see what they can't see you have the key to understanding this kind of fight
when you get involved in it.
Once you up on the hill you are out of the fight
Once
you can do this you have managed to get up somewhere on an Awareness Hill, even if
it's only Jack’s Hill or Jill's Hill for a start. If you can do it for them you'll
soon be able to get up on your own hill as well. And the higher you get up Awareness
hill you further away you are from these destructive fights.
Case study:
Jack and Jill
are at it again.
Jack and Jill have a close and intimate relationship but they are
not living together yet. The way things are going this is looking less and less likely
in the future.
Jill values neatness and tidiness in her home and her office. When
I asked Jack about it he told me that Jill:
" ….worries far too much about tidiness.
She could be having fun relaxing, instead of wasting time with all this tidying up
and organising."
On the other hand I understand that Jack is a somewhat disorganised
person. Jill told me that he is:
"….. horribly untidy. Everywhere that you look at
in his home is a mess!"
Last week, Jill went over to Jack's house to stay the night.
Both of them were looking forward to a romantic evening. But almost as soon as she
arrived there, Jill found herself becoming upset about the state of the house. She
tried to bottle up her feelings but finally they spilled over.
"Jack, Darling" she
said, trying her hardest to sound pleasant, loving and caring, "if you can't manage
to tidy this place up why don't you let me come over and do it for you?"
Notice that
Jack's response is not nearly as pleasant. Jack has been triggered and as a result
he is not trying to be very loving or caring.
"Because," answers Jack, "you are far
too fussy about tidiness. After you'd finished I wouldn't be able to find anything!
In fact, you would probably throw away half my really important stuff. I am much
better organised than you give me credit for, because when I want something I don't
have to go looking for it. It's right here at my fingertips. That's the way I like
it, and that's the way it is going to stay!"
The tone of Jack's remarks did not go
down too well with Jill who was immediately triggered into a more intense and more
personal response, which we will look at below.
After a few more exchanges and with
each one getting progressively more and more hurtful, an awful fight developed. Jill
stormed out and went home. Jack phoned her at 2:00 am and told her he was ending
the relationship. Jill in the heat of her pain and anger told him she thought that
was a very good idea. Then they both said some very hurtful things to each other
about how it was totally the other person’s fault and hung up.
That was three weeks
ago and since then both Jack and Jill had been ignoring each other and at the same
time both suffering terrible emotional pain. Finally, it was Jill who suggested they
come and see me in case there was something that could be done to rescue the relationship.
Note:
The story is a mixture, combining the critical features of many real-life cases that
I have worked with. If it rings true for you it is probably because it is very similar
to what happens to almost any couple who find themselves in a fight as bad as this.
Jack's
and Jill's key issues
From previous stories about Jack and Jill you may remember that
Jack has a lot of issues around anyone he thinks is trying to control him. Remember
that you and I already know that Jack is certainly somewhat untidy in his house.
This is one of his ways of resisting a sense of being controlled by other people.
But otherwise, in his job for example, Jack is quite a well-organised person. However,
in an attempt to appear more organised, he has a tendency to handle many of the significant
issues in his life according to "rules". He then expects others to follow the same
rules when it comes to their significant issues.
And Jill has a lot of issues about
being abandoned or rejected. So she can tend to be a bit of a controller when she
is with other people, although she would describe it as just being "helpfully directive".
Underneath you can guess that when Jill is "directing" people she might also be trying
to stop them from abandoning or rejecting her.
On the surface
All these life issues
add fuel to further energise Jack’s and Jill’s four "Matriarch/Patriarch" villagers.
Now they know exactly what points to zero in on to set up the worst possible fights
between Jack and Jill. However, the real villains are not the two external characters
who at first appeared to be the ones responsible for creating the fight.
First let
us take our look at what's happening on the surface then we will dig a little deeper
to discover the real role that each character is playing and the energies involved
(which became stronger and stronger as the fight develops.)
The higher you go up
the hill and look down you more you will be able to see this and discover what is
really going on. I hardly need to point out that neither Jack nor Jill were spending
much time in awareness during their fight. So they wouldn't notice the four characters
who had taken over and were really running the show and they certainly would not
notice which two were the real villains working behind the scenes.
Looking under the
surface
If you go back and look at Jill's initial comments when she arrived at Jack's
you will remember that she was trying to sound sweet and caring But there was an
underlying energy in her words that reflected the typical pattern of an "Inner Matriarch".
The
archetypal Inner matriarch when it is active in a woman likes to suggest (with just
a hint of scorn) that men are typically less capable than women, they need a woman
to guide them, to tell them what do. And they often carry with this energy a broad
hint that the man should be very grateful for this kind of control and accept it
without question.
Keep in mind that Jill’s Inner Matriarch was already present and
was reacting to Jack's untidy house before she spoke. When a woman speaks in a matriarchal
tone this quickly triggers a chain of events in the man she is speaking to. Notice
how this Matriarchal energy is reflected in Jill's opening words:
"Jack, Darling"
she said, trying her hardest to sound pleasant and caring, "if you can't manage to
tidy this place up why don't you let me come over and do it for you?"
On the surface
it would seem as though her matriarch was directly responsible for triggering Jack's
patriarchal reaction. It's very easy to think this because the man's patriarch appears
on the scene so quickly, but there is actually one important step in between, even
if it only takes a microsecond to pass.
On the surface we notice that Jack responds
with an archetypal Patriarchal reply. Inner patriarchs regard women as typically
illogical, unable to see things clearly and in need of a man who can point this out.
Inner Patriarchs like to have rules, made by men of course They also like to deliver
judgements based on their rules. And they have a sense of unquestioned entitlement
in their right tell women about these judgements, and the belief that women should
willingly accept this kind of control.
Note: If you can get hold of a copy of Sidra
Stone' s wonderful book "The Shadow King" you can find out a great deal more about
your own Inner patriarch, how it acts and what it thinks and says.
Anyway in this
case here we can see Jack's Inner patriarch helping Jack protect his vulnerability
with its typical patriarchal energy.
"Because," answers Jack, "you are far too fussy
about tidiness. After you'd finished I wouldn't be able to find anything! In fact,
you would probably throw away half my really important stuff. I am much better organised
than you give me credit for, because when I want something I don't have to go looking
for it. It's right here at my fingertips. That's the way I like it, and that's the
way it is going to stay!"
But, that's only the first round in the battle.
On the surface
Jill (who feels judged and criticised by Jack's patriarchal tone of voice and attitude
towards her) has little choice other than to defend herself. The only way she knows
to do this is to move further into her matriarchal energy. Her matriarchal response
is to explain to Jack that he only "thinks he's organised" whereas she knows better.
Notice that she tries to do this "very carefully" like a mother explaining something
to an irresponsible little boy. But matriarchs don't understand or care about the
fragile side of male self-esteem.
The second round
On the surface when it is his
turn Jack finds himself feeling angry. This is a sign that his Inner patriarch is
already taking over and is moving into heavier attack and criticism.
Notice the use
of the typical patriarchal word "stupid". And the typical patriarchal energy in the
phrase " … it's logical not to let you have any part in tidying my house because
of your obvious inability to think logically, analytically and clearly."
So if that's
what happens in round two what can we expect to see on the surface in round three?
More of the same. These interactions usually continue through three or four cycles
with each one getting progressively worse as each patriarch and each matriarch uses
stronger and stronger negative strategies to try and force the other person to give
in.
Regardless of who gives in first, when it finally happens the person who surrenders
first usually experiences feelings of "devastation" and deep emotional wounding.
Identifying the characters who are really doing the damage
Generally both people also
experience a sense of greatly heightened vulnerability, because it seems to them
as though one of their most aggressive attacking fighters (for example Jill's matriarch)
has been completely beaten by their arch enemy, in this case Jack’s aggressive patriarch).
It is a simple enough assumption to then decide that Jack’s attacker and therefore
Jack must be responsible for all the pain and hurt.
But meanwhile although Jack may
appear to be the "winner" he usually doesn't feel much better. To Jack it seems as
though he has also suffered severe punishment from Jill’s matriarchal attacks. And
to make things more complicated Jack may also be struck with a sense of guilt for
the pain that Jill is feeling. But even about this Jack still makes a further assumption
that it must be Jill who is responsible for "making" him feel bad.
And those assumptions
are the critical mistake that can single handed destroy a relationship!
However, as
you look deeper you discover that amazingly neither of these two assumptions about
who is to blame is accurate.
What is really going on in the village?
Everything that
we have described already and as it appears to be happening "on the surface" would
be familiar to you. What I am now about to explain will not be as familiar and takes
a little time to understand. However once you can see what is really going on behind
the scenes and under the surface you will have the key to ending these awful fights
(In psychological jargon they are known as "negative bonding patterns" but "an awful
fight" is perhaps a more accurate description.)
On the surface it appeared as though
the Jack's Inner patriarch had every right to attack Jill and in particular the voice
who spoke to him, that is Jill's Inner Matriarch. And in turn it appeared as though
Jill's Inner matriarch had every right to launch a counter attack on Jack and in
particular the voice who spoke to her, his Inner patriarch.
Yes it's true that they
were doing the talking, but it was not the main activity in the village! Two other
far more powerful players were at work and these were the two who were really doing
much worse damage.
Let's go back and have another look at the start of the fight.
Is there something we missed?
"Jack, Darling," said Jill, trying her hardest to sound
pleasant and caring, "if you can't manage to tidy this place up why don't you let
me come over and do it for you?" Obviously, there's more than a hint of her matriarch
in her choice of words, but it's certainly wasn’t a really a heavy attack on Jack.
Yet the intensity in Jack's response tells us that he felt as if "something" (which
he thought was coming from inside Jill) was attacking and criticising him in a very
negative way. The painful reality is that this "something" left Jack feeling very
hurt and vulnerable. And that was the something that caused him to attack Jill.
But
what was that "something" and where did it come from? Surprise, it wasn't something
inside Jill at all. It was actually Jack's own Inner matriarch who was attacking
him and criticising him. The reason he felt so hurt and vulnerable was because she
was aiming directly for Jack’s most vulnerable spot - his wounded inner child - Little
Jack!
What is really going on
So, now for the first time we have a clue about what
is really going on. This is a typical case and it's close to what happens for almost
every couple who get into a really nasty fight. Your Inner matriarch, and mine "feed"
on relatively mild critical or judgemental messages from someone else's Inner Matriarch.
As they feed they get bigger and stronger. And then they attack from the inside.
In this case, the pain, the vulnerability, the shame and the hurt feels so bad to
Jack because:
As it feeds, his Inner matriarch gets stronger and as it grows its amplifies
the pain of Jill's original criticism five to ten times. This means it’s attack has
a much greater negative effect on Jack than Jill ever intended.
The character that
is really attacking Jack is his own Inner matriarch who has been with him since childhood
and she knows how best to trigger his deepest pain and vulnerability. She has been
beating him up about his untidiness all his life. She is delighted to have found
a supporter in Jill's Inner matriarch who can feed her with renewed energy so she
can intensify her attacks and beat little Jack up more cruelly than before.
Now,
Jack feels powerless and emasculated about his untidiness. He feels like a judged
and criticised little boy. He would love to be tidy but his own inner matriarch keeps
telling him that he is a very untidy person and that he will always be this way.
Jack's Inner Child, "little Jack" is reminded of the times when he was a small boy
and the way he was shamed and punished severely by his mother for his untidiness.
He is reminded of the times when his own mother, and his grandmother as well, told
him that he would "always be untidy".
No wonder that Jack reacts like a small boy
to Jill's comments. Unknowingly Jill's choice of words echoed far too closely what
his Inner matriarch has been telling him all his life..
But that is only the beginning
of what is really going on.
Something has to happen to protect Jack (and his Inner
Child "Little Jack") from these negative feelings. And who better than his Inner
patriarch?
Because you are watching all this from outside, you can more easily appreciate
why Jack's patriarch now flies to the rescue. However, it delivers a response that
is out of proportion to Jill's initial comment. Neither Jack, nor his patriarch,
have any idea at this stage that it is his own Inner matriarch who is attacking him
and causing him to feel like a vulnerable child. Believing that the real attack is
coming from Jill, they focus on the apparent external source, which in this case
appears to be Jill and her matriarch.
"Because," Jack’s Inner patriarch replies, "you
are far too fussy about tidiness. After you'd finished I wouldn't be able to find
anything! In fact, you would probably throw away half my really important stuff.
I am much better organised than you give me credit for, because when I want something
I don't have to go looking for it. It's right here at my fingertips. That's the way
I like it, and that's the way it is going to stay!"
That is certainly a patriarchal
statement, but notice how its energy level is far stronger than Jill’s initial comment.
Jack's patriarch isn’t responding to Jill's original statement. Jack's patriarch
is reacting to that amplified attack from his own Inner Matriarch.
How is this going
to affect Jill? We can’t see what is really going on inside Jill but it would be
something like this.
Jill’s Inner patriarch receives the critical judgemental message
from Jack’s Patriarch, feeds on it, amplifies it and then proceeds to attack Jill
from the inside! (Just as Jack's Inner matriarch did to him.)
The vulnerability, the
shame and the hurt feels so bad to Jill, because:
Her Inner patriarch amplifies Jack’s
original criticism five to ten times so that it has a far Her own Inner Patriarch
who has been with her since childhood and who knows how best to hurt her is the one
who is actually punishing her, beating her up about her over-controlling nature and
her lack of logic. He is delighted to have found a supporter in Jack’s Inner Patriarch.
Jill feels ashamed, abandoned and unloved and starts to blame herself because she
is "too controlling" and "not logical enough". She would love to be more relaxed,
forget about being logical and let Jack just be who he is in his own home. But as
long as her Patriarch keeps telling her that she will always be an illogical "silly"
yet overly controlling woman she cannot relax.
Jill’s Inner Child, "little Jill"
is reminded of the times when she was a child and the way she was shamed and punished
severely by her Father for being a "little bossy boots" when really she was just
trying to help to fix things in her badly disorganised family. She is reminded of
the times when her father told her that she would "always be a controlling woman
and that because of that no man would want her ". (He used to emphasise to her how
silly she would be to let that happen.)
Jill’s reaction is the energetic opposite
but otherwise similar in nature to Jack’s. For a start her Inner Matriarch stays
hidden and she first moves into the "ashamed child" position while she cops the full
attack from her own Inner patriarch. And remember it's her patriarch who is responsible
for 80% to 90% of the pain she is feeling . Remember that Jill said she was sorry.
That was her Inner child reeling from the attack from the inner patriarch. But this
lasted for only a moment.
Something has to happen to protect Jill (and her Inner
Child "Little Jill") from these negative feelings. And who better to return to the
battlefield than her Inner Matriarch?
Because you are watching all this from outside,
you can appreciate why Jill's matriarch flies to the rescue. However, it delivers
a response that is out of proportion to Jack's initial comment.
Just like Jack, neither
Jill, nor her matriarch, have any idea that it is her own Inner patriarch who is
attacking her and causing her to feel like a guilty child. Believing that the real
attack is coming from Jack, she focuses on the more easily observed external source,
which in this case appears to be Jack and Jack's patriarch.
Jill's matriarch, if you
remember tried to explain to Jack, very carefully that perhaps he wasn’t quite as
organised as he thought. Notice there is quite a bit of subtle matriarchal energy
creeping in. Then Jill warms to her theme as her Inner Matriarch takes over. It did
this, of course to release Jill from the vulnerability she felt, when her Inner Patriarch
reminded her of her real father’s criticism and her childhood pain. and when she
fell into her ashamed child position moments earlier
And to reduce the pain that Jill’s
inner child, Little Jill, is feeling, Jill’s matriarch now goes on the warpath. Having
explained to Jack, very carefully that he “only thought he was organised", she then
points out, as matriarchs like to do, that most of Jack’s friends didn't respect
him because of the state of his home.
By this time, Jill’s matriarch is really warming
up and feeling stronger. To emphasise this it decides to make add a few more points.
It suggests that Jacks untidiness was the reason so few guests turned up last time
Jack organised a party at his place. And it couldn't resist pointing out that many
more friends had turned up at Jill’s place last time she had a party. Matriarchs
have a not very subtle way of making their point and inducting feelings of shame
or guilt at the same time.
And keep reminding yourself of what Jack’s matriarch is
going to do to him with this new information!
From here on the cycle is repeated but
each time the negativity and judgement are being amplified on each side. Backwards
and forwards the battle rages.
Jack’s inner Matriarch feeds and grows with each new
round of criticism from Jill’s Matriarch.
Jill’s inner Matriarch feeds and gets stronger
with each new round of criticism from Jack’s Patriarch.
Each time Jack is reminded
of his childhood, he first feels ashamed, but by now things are moving very quickly.
With each new round it takes less time before his Patriarch comes in to defend wounded
and ashamed Little Jack.
At this stage Jack starts feeling real patriarchal anger.
His patriarch delights in pointing out just how "stupid" Jill’s argument was about
the party guests, explaining in detail that his party was only for associates from
work whilst hers was for personal friends. At this point Jack’s Patriarch’s attack
becomes more personal. It points out that Jill has now displayed her inability to
take part in a sensible discussion, her lack of logic and the ability to solve problems.
"So, of course, it’s only logical," explains his Patriarch, "not to let you, Jill,
have any part in tidying Jack’s house because of your obvious inability to think
logically, analytically and clearly," (reminding her once again that she had just
proved her lack of logic with her comments about the guests and the parties).
At this
point, Jill has no idea of what is really going on inside her but her emotions are
flipping back and forth. Little Jill her inner child is feeling ashamed and is being
attacked by her Critical Inner Patriarch. Such a mixture of fury, resentment, pain
and shame all at the same time is a highly inflammable mixture. And the whole time
she still thinks it is Jack who is doing this to her.
Jack's words remind her again
of what her father used to say to her when she was a little girl about her inability
to think clearly. Jill knew even then that it wasn't true, just as she knows in her
mind that Jack's patriarch’s words are not true either. In this state she can’t deal
with so many mixed up feelings at the time, but she still has one more matriarchal
barb left.
“You always have to be right don’t you!” her matriarch yells at Jack as
she storms out of Jack's house and goes home, leaving all of their inner protector
characters in his and her inner villages feeling very sad, vulnerable, ineffective
or abandoned. Except of course for the two inner patriarchs (his and hers) and the
two inner matriarchs (his and hers) who are delighted with this turn of events.
Jack
found himself feeling a great deal worse over the next couple of hours. The more
that he thought about it the worse these feelings became. He too was now boiling
over with his own inflammable mixture of conflicting feelings. Some of the time he
felt overwhelmingly devastated and a deep emotional pain inside him as though a dagger
had been plunged into his heart. At other times he just felt so righteously judgemental
and justifiably angry.
Guess which character in Jack’s village is really happy with
the way things have turned out? A voice inside him is getting louder and louder telling
him to ring Jill right now and inform her that, because of her extremely unpleasant
attitude towards him, their relationship is finished. It was of course Jack' s Inner
patriarch giving him the kind of destructive advice it specialises in giving.
Meanwhile,
Jill couldn't sleep, she still felt very angry about what Jack said to her. But her
strongest feeling was a sense of pain and powerlessness. She felt so vulnerable and
a bit ‘stupid’ about not being able to get the man she loved to understand her point
of view. Not being able to do this was what really hurt Jill the most,.
So, can you
guess which character in Jill’s village is also happy with the way things are turning
out? After a while she heard a voice inside her telling her it wasn’t her fault.
It was Jack’s insensitive, unfeeling nature (and his untidiness) and she could never
expect these things to improve. The only way to protect herself from a future filled
with similar repeats of the hurt and pain was to end her relationship with Jack now.
This was, of course the voice of her own inner matriarch, giving the kind of advice
that Inner matriarchs specialise in giving.
It was just at this time, around 2:00
am that Jack phoned and in an angry (patriarchal) voice told Jill that he had decided
to end the relationship. And since that matched up with what Jill's matriarchal voice
was telling her at that moment, it seized the opportunity to agree with him. While
she was at it her matriarch let fly with another round of negative judgement about
Jack, his behaviour, his untidy house, his immaturity and more of the same especially
his need to ‘always be right’.
And Jack’s patriarch, who had nothing to lose, fired
back, with more negative judgement and criticism about Jill. Not only had she shown
herself to be unable to think clearly. Jack's patriarch decided that there had never
been a better time to add some more killer points of a very personal nature to prove
her "inability to stick to the rules". She was overweight, she was uncooperative
as a lover. It even brought her morals into question! (Jill had confessed that once,
long before she knew Jack, she had an affair with a married man.)
It's hard to say
which of the two slammed their phone down first, attempting to be the one who hung
up on the other, but it was probably a dead heat. That was three weeks ago and since
then both Jack and Jill had been ignoring each other and at the same time both suffering
terrible emotional pain.
See the Inner Patriarch and the Inner Matriarch pages for more information on the characteristics of these two destructive characters and to learn how to identify them at work inside you.
This is such a significant problem in many relationships that I have now devoted an entire website to the Inner matriarch and inner Patriarch problem
Rather than repeat these pages on this site can I ask you to go to my main website
I think you will be amazed at what you will discover